Chapter 22
Mushaburui
HIMS Ultor Sanguinis, Orbit of Erdi
It was around midnight based on whatever standard the Imperials used for time. Lowen was supposed to come get her at zero-four to get prepped for deployment. She should have been sleeping, but ever since Lowen dropped her off in her room, she just sat on the bed curled up in a ball. She couldn't sleep. She wanted to pretend she wasn't scared. The Wo had a word for warriors shaking with excitement for battle, but it was probably just a lie they told to save face.
Yasuko had never been scared like this. Uncertain, maybe. Nervous, sure. Never scared down to the marrow of her bones. Why now?
The answer came to her. All the other times she faced danger and risked her life, she never stopped to really think about what she was doing, but ever since she was thrown off Heigangcheng, she couldn't stop thinking about it. She would think about killing Yun, about Sturla lopping off her arm, about the blast of the grenade... And falling, of course. Falling for what seemed like forever.
She drew her legs in closer. How had she made it this long without knowing fear like this? Maybe the last time was the night TÃo Jorge was killed. It was like her hatred and her thirst for revenge drowned out her fear. It wasn't just how close she came to dying. That had happened plenty of times. What had broken in her to make her lose her nerve?
The door chime sounded. Yasuko looked at the clock. It wasn't time yet, so she didn't think it'd be Lowen, but who else would it be? She went to the door and opened it and, sure enough, it was Lowen after all.
"What're you doing, Lowen?" Yasuko asked.
"I could ask you the same thing," Lowen replied. "I saw you weren't asleep, so I thought I'd check on you. It's less than four hours until we're supposed to head out. You should really get some rest."
"You think I'm up like this 'cause I wanna be?"
"Can't sleep, huh? I thought so."
"What about you? Why're you up?"
"Same reason, I'm guessing."
"Then you don't got any place tellin' me 'bout needin' to get some damn rest."
"I'm supposed to be looking out for you," Lowen said. "Look, Yasuko, you don't have to do this. You can be advising the infiltration teams from mission control. It'd be more than enough."
"It won't be enough," Yasuko said. "I gotta be there. I gotta be the one who takes him down."
"Even if it kills you?"
"Especially if it kills me. If I don't do it... If I don't end it with my own hands, I'll never be free of him."
She touched her right arm, where Sturla's blade cut through it, but now not even the stump was there. She had an arm, but it wasn't hers, not really. It would do what she needed it to do, but part of her felt like she had lost more than she had gained. Without the physical reminder, it was like the memory burrowed deeper into her brain.
Lowen took hold of her by the shoulders and said, "Yasuko, I don't want to see you get hurt anymore. I don't want to see you trying to act tougher than you are. You've done enough. You've been through enough. Quit while you're ahead."
Yasuko's eyes strayed to Lowen's hand on her shoulder. What was going on here? There was a sort of feeling in the atmosphere. She remembered it from some of her encounters with Sturla. She was getting turned on. It wasn't quite so bad, though. With Sturla, she hated herself for being tempted by his sheer animal magnetism, but with Lowen, it was because of the way he was trying to protect her. She resented it, of course, but part of her was glad. Maybe it was just an instinctual weakness. There was no point trying to sort it out rationally. She didn't have to let it carry her away, though.
"I told you I can't quit," she said, trying to avoid coming to terms with what she was feeling at the moment. "How many times do I gotta say it?"
Lowen didn't relent.
"Yasuko, he's going down. I can guarantee it. You don't have to be the one to do it. Honestly, based on what you've told me about him, I don't think you can."
"I can do it," Yasuko insisted. "I've got the new arm, I've got Sigma and all the other toys your people're givin' me. I've got a shot this time."
"Yasuko..."
He was giving her this pitying look that infuriated her on one level, but deep down, it was turning her to jelly.
"Stop," she said quietly.
"Stop what?"
"Stop being nice to me. I... I can't focus on what I gotta do. Be hard. Be cold. Just don't be nice."
"What's wrong with being nice?"
"I need someone pushin' me on, not holdin' me back."
"I disagree. I think you've been pushing yourself for far too long. Let it go, Yasuko."
There was an an awkward moment of silence between them. Surely it was just a moment, but time just seemed to hang as they stared into each other's eyes. Yasuko could feel herself wavering. This was the last thing she needed right now. Those eyes of his... When was the last time someone looked at her like that?
She felt like she could look into his eyes forever, but then, all of the sudden, he pulled her in close and kissed her. It was a forceful, spur of the moment sort of kiss. He tasted faintly of mint, like it hadn't been that long since he brushed his teeth. Definitely better than the time she was kissed by the Emperor. Of course, she stabbed the Emperor in the head, broke his neck and drowned him for it. She wasn't thinking of doing any of that to Lowen. Instead, she found herself kissing him back.
She didn't know what she was doing or why, but maybe you weren't supposed to think that much in a situation like this. Without breaking off the kiss, Lowen pushed her back further into the room and the door closed behind them. He was holding her by the back of the head and the middle of her back, but then one of his hands went around to the front to unzip her jumpsuit. She responded in kind by fumbling with the fasteners on his jacket. Of course he had the easier job.
She had to stop what she was doing to get her arms out of the sleeves of the jumpsuit and then let him pull off her undershirt. However, when he went for the fastener on the skinsuit—that is, what she'd taken to calling the sheer suit she wore against her skin—, her body froze. Lowen stopped moving too, or rather, he stopped what he was doing and jerked his hands a bit like they were stuck on something. Yasuko, on the other hand, couldn't move a muscle.
Her jaw loosened and she started to speak. Though it was her mouth that was moving and her voice, it wasn't her words.
"Leutnant Meyer, if you proceed any further, you will be in violation of Article 279, Number 11 of the Penal Code and Article 24 of Armed Forces Act of 632. Please desist at once."
It still took Yasuko a moment to realize what was going on. When she did, she grumbled, "Dammit, Sigma. How're you doin' that?"
"It is a simple matter of muscle manipulation," Sigma replied. "Normally such activity is restricted, but exceptions can be made in such cases as this to prevent the commission of a crime."
"What crime? It ain't like he's forcin' himself on me."
"Irrelevant. Article 279, Number 11 of the Penal Code prohibits sexual contact between an adult and a minor. An exception is made in the case of a legal marriage with parental consent and judicial approval. The close-in-age exemption of the so-called 'Romeo and Juliet clause' only applies if the age of the adult party is within four years of the age of the minor party, but it would not apply in this case as Leutnant Meyer is eight years your senior, hence my intervention."
The explanation was probably more detailed and complicated than it needed to be, but leave it to Yasuko to find herself hung up on an odd point.
"What's a Romeo and Juliet?"
"The common name of the clause in question is a reference to the main characters in a story of two young lovers in Verona, Italy, best known from the stage play adaptation by William Shakespeare published in CE 1597."
"I didn't understand a word of what you just said."
"The only thing you need to understand is that sexual contact between you and Leutnant Meyer is prohibited by law until you turn 20 or the two of you are legally married with the consent of a parent or guardian and judicial approval."
Yasuko sighed.
"I'm pretty sure the moment's passed now."
Flustered, Lowen muttered, "I, I'm sorry, Yasuko. I got carried away. I shouldn't have—"
Now that Sigma was letting her move again, Yasuko put her hand to his mouth to shut him up.
"If you were doin' somethin' I didn't want, you'd be chokin' on broken teeth right now. It's fine."
"I'd... I'd better be going..."
Yasuko caught him by the sleeve before he could go.
Feeling a little flustered herself, she said, "I... You know, I might sleep better with some company." Annoyedly, she asked Sigma, "There's no law 'gainst that, is there? So long as we keep our clothes on, right?"
"All sexual contact is prohibited," Sigma said. "The presence or absence of clothing is immaterial."
"So long as there's no sexual contact then, right?"
Sigma paused for a moment before replying, "Co-sleeping, even without sexual contact, could be construed as fraternization. Even though yours is a provisional rank, you are an officer in His Imperial Majesty's Armed Forces in a position subordinate to Leutnant Meyer. Your actions are likely to prejudice his command decisions."
"Come on, Sigma, gimme a break."
"Are you prepared to have this incident used as evidence against you and Leutnant Meyer should it lead to any obstacle to the successful execution of the mission?"
"Dammit, if it'll get you off my back, yes."
"I require acknowledgment from Leutnant Meyer as well."
Yasuko sighed again, then told Lowen, "Sigma wants to know if you think cuddlin' with me is worth gettin' shot out the airlock if it fucks with the mission."
"He's worried about our fraternization interfering with the mission."
"That's 'bout the size of it."
"Well, ah, if you don't get some sleep, it'll adversely impact the mission, so, uh, I, I guess if there's something I can do to improve your performance level, it'd be my duty as your immediate superior."
Lowen was trying to suppress a goofy little half-smile. Yasuko grinned.
"There you have it."
"I find Leutnant Meyer's logic faulty," Sigma said, "but as fraternization cannot be determined from a single incident and because it is only a supplementary charge to some other form of misconduct, I believe I can withdraw my interference provided neither of you engage in any prohibited activities."
"You're a real pal, Sigma."
She took Lowen by the hand and led him to the bed. There was just barely room for the two of them if they laid on their sides.
"Inner spoon or outer spoon?" Yasuko asked.
"Wouldn't it be more appropriate for me to be the outer spoon?" Lowen said.
"You tell me."
"Outer spoon," he said firmly.
"Take the wheel, Daddy."
Lowen shook his head in exasperation.
"You just had to make it more awkward, didn't you?"
"Oh, shut up and come on."
They laid down on the bed and after conscientiously putting the pillow between them, Lowen wrapped his arms around her. Yasuko felt her heart beating a little faster. It seemed silly when you compared what they were doing to what they would've been doing were it not for Sigma's intervention.
Yasuko held Lowen's sleeve and said, mostly to herself, "It's gonna be fine. He's goin' down tomorrow. We're gonna end it."
"We'll be going in with some of the Empire's finest," Lowen said. "We couldn't be in better hands."
"Yeah..."
She held on to his arms a little tighter. Lowen may not have been the most reliable guy out there, but having him with her did make her feel a little better. She thought about the time her mother had come into her room to sleep with her, the first and only time she was able to drop the mask and show her true face. She thought about Yoon-hee, who would have offered her the comfort she sought if she had let her. And she thought of Sturla, whose touch she both reviled and longed for in equal measure. And in the midst of all this was simple, clumsy Lowen. Not quite a prince in shining armor, but he was there for her now and that was enough. And so she was finally able to drift off to sleep.